Five Years

Five years.
Where did they go??
It seems like you've always been with us. Like we were never really a family without you.
We kind of weren't.
At the same time it seems like we just brought you home, bundled up in that tiny camo fleece jacket and pooh bear hat with the ears, so tiny you were swallowed up by that infant carseat, barely fitting in the tiniest clothes.



5 years ago, we had just left for the hospital. We spent
the evening having one last date at the movies watching
Saw IV and eating at Chili's (half a turkey sandwich
and chicken enchilada soup--James loves that soup!
even now!), then came home to walk Nena around the
neighborhood and pack last minute items into the
hospital bag. 13 some-odd hours later, James was born
at 2:26 pm, blue and cone-headed. He was the most
beautiful thing I'd ever seen.

James, you were (and still are) the most-loved little boy. 

I still picture you in embroidered corduroy outfits Grandma made you for each holiday. Your first trips to meet Santa. Your first Christmas morning. You slept through the whole thing. Your second Christmas where you tore into wrapping paper, not really getting the concept, but still excited for new playthings. Your long, shaggy hair I refused to cut until it hung down in your eyes and Grandaddy threatened to give you a flat-top every time we visited. I remember the first time you splashed in your baby pool, how the upstate New York summer wasn't warm enough to heat the pool water and you squalled at us till we pulled you out of it.

 "Big brother" was a role you were made for. From the day Riley was born and you were so excited to help and hold him and love on him. You called him "baby" till he was almost two. You don't remember life without him.
You knew Poppy was Poppy (or "Cookie" at the time) before we did. You begged me to take you to the hospital to "see" her at another ultrasound. You couldn't wait for her to be born and asked every single day if it was time yet.

You've always said the funniest things. Ever since you could talk. You tell the best stories in a way that makes them serious and hilarious at the same time.

You're quiet, independent, a perfectionist. You like to do your own thing without distraction or interruption. You like things orderly. 

I have no idea where you got that when I am the messiest, most disorganized person.

You love all things Halloween, like a true October baby, but still have fears and limits and the occasional bad dream.

You are so honest and passionate and sensitive.

When your feelings are hurt, it breaks my heart.

You are the "oldest" through and through and sometimes you feel like you're missing out on things, being gone at school. When you feel left out, you start to show out. 

It's hard to remind myself to be aware of your feelings.

To empathize with you and your "oldest sibling" position.

I know a lot of times you get the raw deal. I'm still learning. 

You are so bright and creative.

I swear you'll be an architect some day. Or some kind of designer.

You can build anything with legos. Anything!

You never stop amazing me with your creations.

You soak up everything like a sponge.

You're cautious, careful.

Meticulous and thoughtful.

Ideas pour out of you. 

You love reading and learning.

Your teachers always brag on you.

You entertain everyone.

Five years is no time at all and a million years at the same time. 

You never stop amazing me, James.

I've loved watching you grow into the boy you are and in no time at all I'll have watched you grow into a young man. 

You are our light.

You made this family. You were our beginning.

You are still just the most loved little boy.

Happy birthday.